This is a weird thing for me to write about. You see, I’ve been spending the last 10 years running from my past. A friend said that I’m so dodgy about my old life, that I behave like someone who killed her entire family and moved out of state.
I’m that elusive about it.
But I didn’t kill anyone.
I was just an actor.
But sometimes when people find out I was an actor, it changes how they see me. They seem to think that I’m somehow inherently different from them. And the first thing they say, with a thoroughly perplexed look on their face is – why would you ever leave?
You’ve probably left a job before. Why did you leave? Probably because you didn’t enjoy it anymore. Maybe something about that job didn’t feel authentic to you or fit in with what you wanted from life. There were probably parts of your job that you really liked, but one day, when you made your pro and con list, the con side was longer. Maybe you had done the job for 18 years – like I had. Maybe it was time to do something new. That’s why I left my job.
I didn’t hate it. It wasn’t awful and I’m not whining about how hard my life was. Parts of it were really wonderful for a while. But then I got to the point where it just wasn’t fun for me anymore. So, I decided I should leave, before I became one of those alcoholic/eating disorder ravaged/drug addicted train wrecks of a former child actor. I had no desire to be a cautionary tale.
But when people recognize me, it’s hard to explain all that, because movies and fame have become such a revered thing in our society. It makes me look special or different or weird – when in fact, I’m just figuring my way through the world. Just like everyone else.
So, when I left L.A. a decade ago, I tried to bury Lisa Jakub. I’ve buried her with going to college, getting married, becoming a writer and learning how to use my stove. I was trying to forget that the old life existed. Everyone has something that they try to cover up about themselves, something that makes them feel different and a little strange. Something that they worry will make them not quite fit in, like that quickie divorce or the strange uncle or the funny-looking thing on their foot. Movies happen to be that thing for me.
Have you ever tried to run away from something? Every time you turn around, you always find it sitting right on your shoulder. In my new life, I’m a writer and I process my whole life through words on a page. It comforts me, organizes me and helps me make sense of the world. Through this blog, and my book, I’ve learned how to have a healthy relationship with this part of my life. I don’t run away anymore.
Movies don’t have to be front and center, because I don’t think that what I did when I was 14 is the most important or interesting thing about me.
But it just got too hard to pretend that it never happened.